Your Last Amazon Purchase Is Now Your Apocalypse Weapon

With Amazon Prime Day(s) in our rearview mirror, I asked Loonatics what their most recent Amazon purchase was...with the caveat that it's also now your weapon in the zombie apocalypse. I've been watching The Walking Dead for far too long.

Your answers were sometimes practical, but most times hysterical! Cheers to a quick, painful death for most of us!

Yeah, student loans are voided by the apocalypse! WOOT WOOT! (Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)

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First, the practical:

Sue had a funny, yet practical answer: poop scent remover! If the zombies can smell you, they can smell your poop. Everybody poops (R.E.M. parody?), so being able to cover that scent could be key to your survival!

Rose recently bought a 5-pack of jigsaw blades. Weapons are good, especially when they can cut through zombie heads. Even gooder if Rose already has a jigsaw!

Dan has recently purchased a bike tire. Could be important for fixing a bike to escape the zombies (unless they're the running type), could also be used as a bludgeon.

Kati-Lyn bought crochet hooks which absolutely could go through a zombie's eye socket. She also got a Gigapet to keep her company!

Now, the dead funny:

First, myself. My last Amazon purchase was a kneeling chair, hoping to get relief for my bum hip. The fact that I have a bad hip already guarantees certain death for me in the zombie apocalypse, but at least I can possibly take out a zombie or two first. Justin bought a shower chair, and I feel like we're on the same level of zombie survival: gone very soon, but maybe taking one down with us.

Amanda bought a shark Snuggie. Best to be comfy while your brain's getting devoured!

Brettzki bought dog food. This could be considered practical, because it's food. And if you have dogs, it's important to keep them fed so they don't turn on you. This one's a toss-up. Same with Rebecca's purchase of pool chemicals and Dawn's purchase of extra strength mold and mildew cleaner: I'm sure there's a way to use that for survival. I don't recommend Googling how unless you want to make an FBI list.

Cory bought jeans. Ya need pants in the apocalypse.

A lot of (human) food ended up on the list, which will help keep you nourished while the ever-persistent zombies continue to hunt you down. Kristen bought brownie brittle (yum!) and popcorn, Daniel bought Gatorade powder mix (electrolytes!), Karen bought coffee, Matt bought vitamin gummies, and Michelle bought disposable tea bags. Disposable Tea Bags is my new band name and new favorite insult.