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Tell Him What You Want

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You’re still in love with the guy that bought you flowers for no reason…The guy that took you out to eat every Friday night, opened the car door for you…ordered your food for you at the restaurant.  The guy that told you you were beautiful.  You married him…or at least…you thought you married him.

So…Where did he go?  When did he stop doing all those things…and why did he stop?

The truth of the matter is…Happy guys are just that.  Happy and content.  If everything is okay with you, then he’s happy. If you’re not telling him that anything is bothering you, how is he supposed to know?  If you’re just as happy fixing dinner on Friday night, why go out to eat?   Here are some tips to opening the door of communication, and knowing when to tell him what still matters to you.

1. Ask for what you want.

You’d never walk into a clothing store and expect the Sales Assistant to look at you and pick out all the fantastic styles that would be just right for you, without even asking.  A vague request to your husband or significant other to “help around the house” is equally likely to lead to disappointing results.

So be specific. Tell him exactly what you would like him to do.   “I would love for you to take me out to dinner, like you used to. “   The more you let him know where to pitch in, the fewer miscommunications you’ll have.

2. Be careful not to micromanage.

Men are very sensitive to the emotional cues their wives send, often more so than women realize.  So if you ask him to do something, like, “Would you please fold the laundry?” And he folds it all in a different way than you expected, you need to learn to LET IT GO.  If you criticize the way he hoes it, he’s going to feel like there’s no sense in ever helping you again.   Keep your opinions to yourself, unless he asks for your opinion…and then BE NICE about it.  “I prefer the towels are folded like this.”  Being nice is always a good idea.

3. Forget about splitting things down the middle.

A lot of couples divide chores into his and hers….He takes out the garbage…She does the dishes.  She does the laundry, he mows the yard.   But…Schedules and skill sets make it almost impossible to stick to this kind of plan. Instead,  figuring out what works best for both of you. If you both love cooking, take turns cooking and doing dishes.  If you both love working in the yard, take turns riding the lawnmower, and pulling weeds out of the garden.  Work out a plan where neither of you feels like your getting the worst of the deal.  I think this sounds like maybe it needs to be HIS idea, instead of yours.

4. Figure out what’s really bugging you.

If you’re feeling lonely, used and sad, you need to bring your emotions to the table, and explain your feelings.  Talking through how you BOTH feel, will help you keep your relationship strong, and clarify what really matters to each of you.  Plus… If you don’t have a good reason for being all cry baby sad….Maybe you shouldn’t take it out on him.

5. Zoom in on what would be most helpful.

Bosses, family, friends — plenty of things can pull attention away from your relationship. The trick is for both of you to keep pulling your weight. Does working long hours make you stressed and in need of extra TLC?  Does it bother you that he goes out to the bar with his buddies every Tuesday afternoon?   The more you can verbalize how you feel, the more you can come up with solutions to fix the problem.

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