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How to Decode Guy Speak

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This one is for the singletons. If you’re on Match, Zoosk, eHarmony or any other online dating website, you know there is a lot of reading to be done. Here is a guide to reading between the lines. 

I lost a bet several years ago and had to join a dating website and go on at least one date. If you’d like to be regaled with a tale or two, call me and we’ll go for coffee. I have more than a few stories. So, how do you decode everything? Here’s a quick guide.

“I want a woman who takes care of herself and eats healthy” means “If you’re overweight, don’t respond.” He is likely into sports and healthy activities and is looking for a girl who feels the same way. If you’re a tad chubby, he may give you a break, but just know that your weight will always be an issue.

“I love travel and new experiences” means “If you’d rather curl up with your cat and a Lifetime movie, don’t respond.” If you’re a homebody and don’t really like going out a lot, chances are the two of you aren’t going to work, but if you want to get off the couch and turn off the Hoarders marathon, definitely let them know you’re interested.

“I’m just looking for a friend”, “I’m just looking around”, or “I’m taking it slow” means “If you want a serious relationship, don’t respond.” Some guys post a status saying that they’re looking for a relationship, but read the fine print. He may be looking for something completely different and you’re likely not the woman who’s going to change his mind.

“Blah blah blah” means “I don’t have a lot to say” or “I’m really frustrated”. Sometimes guys get really frustrated if they’re unable to find someone right away or feel like they won’t find anyone ever so they repeat the same words over and over again which actually can prevent him from meeting someone. You have to choices here. You can send him a message in hopes he will have something coherent to say. The other option is to do nothing at all. Accept it for face value. He’s not seriously looking so move on.

“I’m a workaholic” means “I am really into my job, hard working and driven.” If he says he’s a workaholic or mentions work more than a few times in his post, you should probably be as into your job or have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy. He likes his work and that’s not going to change any time soon.

“I’m undecided about having children” means you should look at your life now and flash forward to where you hope to be. If kids aren’t in your plans then you may have something in common with him. If you really want a family, but he’s really cute and feel a certain amount of compatibility with him, chat him up and get to know him. He may be open to a family in the future, but there are also those that are completely against having children ever. In that case, move on.

“Nothing is off limits” means that no sick joke, crazy prank, racist or political rant will be ignored. If this is a turn off for you, keep clicking.

“I’m a big kid” means “I’m immature.” A little silly now and then is OK, but if you’re looking for a more serious type, skip him.

“Sarcasm is my first language” means “If you’re easily offended, don’t bother.” If you have thicker skin, chat him up, but if you can’t handle someone who is blunt and sometimes abrasive, keep looking.

“I’m in school” or “I’m currently exploring other opportunities” could mean one of two things. Either he’s going for his masters or he’s unemployed. He may also be under employed and working part time so he can finish his education. If you can see potential and applaud someone who balances work and school, send him a message.

“I’m a sports fan” means “My idea of a great date is a burger and a hockey game”. If you’re a sports fan or are prepared to be a football widow on Sundays, check him out. If he weren’t a sports fanatic, he wouldn’t have written it.

“I’m not into the bar scene” means “I’m ready to settle down.” This is not always the case because he could be someone who doesn’t drink. Now, keep in mind that he may not be fully ready to jump head first into a super serious relationship, but that the possibility is there.

If he has kids, he will likely be into whatever the kids are into and his children will always come first. Always. So, be prepared to play second fiddle. Again, this isn’t always true, but if it is and you don’t want to be number two, keep clicking.

If he talks about sex incessantly and repeatedly and it’s all over his profile it’s not because he’s just looking for a booty call. He may just have an insatiable appetite, so be prepared to give it up. A lot. Otherwise don’t waste your time and his.

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