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Cap’n Crunch Is Not Dead, He’s Just On Hold With His HMO

quaker .com

You may have heard Jen from The Morning MIX squeal in horror Thursday morning as our news-purveyor Lynn gave us the story about Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch being quietly removed Sopranos-style from the Quaker website. It’s true, after rowing ashore on every single page of the site, I can report the Cap’n is gone. But wait, before you blame his abduction on Somali pirates (like I assumed), or some insidious plot concocted by King Vitamin (who is also missing!),or his arch-enemy Jean LeFoote, there’s more to the story.

After some digging, I’ve discovered that he hasn’t been forced to walk the plank into a sea of golden milk and Crunchberries– he’s been put into a strange hiatus. Even though the Cap’n’s website still exists, the parent company of Quaker, the all-powerful PepsiCo (who knew?) is bending to pressure from the President’s wife and her mad crusade against childhood obesity. This is confirmed by Jennifer Harris, the director of Marketing Initiatives at the Rudd Center for Food Policy & Obesity at Yale University:

“Our research shows that PepsiCo is no longer marketing Cap’n Crunch cereal directly to children,” she told Daily Finance, “In a sense, you could say that they have retired Cap’n Crunch, and that’s a good thing.”

Ad Age got a statement from a Quaker spokesman, who said, “Reports of Cap’n Crunch’s demise are greatly exaggerated. In fact, we just launched an official Facebook page for Cap’n Crunch. Now that our Cap’n Crunch brand is in the social-media space, our adult consumers can stay up to date on all things Cap’n Crunch.”

So you see, not only were we the targets of the diabolical Quaker cereal company when we were kids, but now they’ve leveled the ad cannon on our ever expanding adult broadside… and the Cap’n has been debriefed, elevated to Admiral and sent to a gated, land-locked retirement community in South Beach to spend his final days trying to ‘Friend’ your mother on Facebook and being put on hold by his HMO.

Parlay, matey, Parlay. Do you remember eating any of these? My favorite was the Vanilly Crunch! What is your favorite all-time cereal?

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